How to Write a Successful Book

I need to preface this update with an important fact, which is that I really wouldn’t know. Dead Weight has been out less than a week and so far it’s performing a’ight. Hundreds of books purchased, not thousands. But at least it’s not tens. From a first-time author, no less. I tell myself that every night before I cry myself to sleep, anyway.

I have, however, been studying the top charts in an effort to understand what performs. Based on what I can ascertain, my next book should be about vampires who screw… a lot. Or, I should call my novel ‘Dirty’ something. If it’s about a seamstress, I guess it’s ‘Dirty Seamstress,’ and if it’s about a lovable hamster, it should be ‘The Lovable, Dirty-Ass Hamster.’

There’s a lot of fiction about getting it on. Vampires getting it on. Werewolves getting it on. Dirty people getting it on. People getting dirty and then getting it on. And that shit is selling like crazy.

Dead Weight is at a slight disadvantage because it features no vampires, no dirty girls, and only a little sexy time. Also, there’s not a half-naked dude with a six-pack on the cover.

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