No–I’m not referencing a powerful laxative, although I’d definitely endorse that brand. This refers to the fiber floodgates that will soon allow 1000mbps (that’s 125 megabytes per second, if you’re counting) of hot, delicious data to drown my home.

I cut the cord two years ago, but I’ve been stuck with a measly 200mbps connection down–and it’s inconsistent because #cablemodem. That means my connection slows to something like 2400 baud whenever my neighbors download too much HD porn. So, AT&T Fiber became available in my neighborhood and, without any research or even a fleeting thought of potential repercussions, I ordered the shit out of it.

Observe the differences between your grandpa’s boring internet connection and my soon-to-be coolest-kid-on-the-block mega bandwidth.

They come to install it this Thursday. Except, this is AT&T, which means they’re just going to promise me they’ll be here, but they won’t show, and they won’t call to tell me they won’t show. Jesus, what have I done? Look forward to a follow-up post in which I bitch out AT&T for at least 3,000 words.